I haven’t written a blog post in well over three years. The last one was published on October 27, 2021 to be exact. I have thought over and over on what to write and how to write it. I just have to get it out, but I will not lie to you. It scares me to my core.
I went through some very tough years over the last few. The worst of that time was from November 2021 up until March of 2023. For most of 2021, I was self-harming. I had fallen so deep into a hole with my depression that I resorted back to self-harm. It was the first time I had left scars. I didn’t know how to handle my emotional pain that I just needed to feel some physical pain.
However, November of 2021 was the worst of it all. I was at my lowest and didn’t know who I could turn to. I felt like I had no one. I also didn’t want to bother anyone. So, I contemplated suicide, I thought it was my only option. When I say I contemplated suicide, I actually imagined what it would be like to put the shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger during opening hunting of that year. I felt peace when I thought about it. I didn’t have any problems to worry about, I would be free.
The only thing that stopped me that day was my dad sitting just a few yards from me. I couldn’t leave him to pick up the pieces, so I knew I had to change my plan. Of course changing my plan would mean there’s a little fight left. There was a lot of fight left I guess because I’m still here. I’m still here fighting everyday for me.
Don’t get me wrong, I will still put others first, that’s just who I am, but I am also starting to prioritize myself first and learning when I need to just focus on me. It’s a daily habit that I have been working on. Self-care is really hard for me to do, but I am starting to do it more and more for my sake and my sake alone. The things I do for me are for me, not other people. I can’t please everybody and that’s something that I’ve had to let go of. Let me tell you, it’s a hard habit to break.
I can’t be afraid to show who I am. I over text and over share sometimes. I have a past that I have kept hidden for so long, that the right people will embrace it and that it turned me into I am today. Life is too short to hide the real you. And I am done hiding. Take me as I am or walk away. I am not everyone’s cup of tea. And that’s okay. Don’t be afraid to do the same. Be yourself and love yourself for it. The right people will stay.
