Nothing can prepare you for the prospect of death. Whether it’s a family member or yourself. You can only survive in your body for so long before your time is up on this earth.
My grandfather tested positive for COVID-19 on Wednesday, October 14, 2020. The immediate family was kept up-to-date by the hospital on his treatment and outlook throughout his time, but ultimately, he did not survive. With underlying conditions, his outlook was bleak. We had hope that he would be able to beat it, but his lungs were too damaged. It was only just a matter of time.
I went back up the North Shore to finish photographing the waterfalls I needed for my first book this past weekend. It was the day I left, October 23rd, that I, and the rest of the family found out that my grandfather wouldn’t make it. My husband called to see if it would change my plans, but seeing as he was still with us, it didn’t. I needed that time in nature to reset.
The weekend, however, did not change how I felt. Whenever I feel anxious or sad about something, anything, I workout or journal. If that doesn’t help, I go hiking and being in nature normally does the trick. Nature is calming to me. Sitting, enjoying and photographing nature makes me feel at peace. For some reason, this time, nature didn’t help. I think it was the fact that he was still with us, but declining and I couldn’t do anything to change it.
Normally, when I am photographing nature, I am perfectly in control. I can look at a scene and determine with confidence what it will look like as an image. The whole weekend, I second guessed everything. I took 800 photographs Saturday alone, between two locations and three waterfalls. I would constantly move my focus point because I felt it was not quite right and every image I took, I wasn’t in love with. I have never had that happen in my life.
I am also extremely careful with my equipment. I make sure it’s stable before I start doing anything else. Well, this weekend was time for a lot of firsts. For the first time ever, I did not make sure my tripod was secure and it toppled over. The result? I broke my lens. The things I could control, I ended up not having any control over. My mental equilibrium was off.
The last time I had seen my grandfather was March 21st, 2020. I had wanted to see him over the summer, but my husband and I bought a house and we needed to get moved in and settled. I was also hiking every chance I got and working on my photography. I wish I could’ve seen him just one last time. And now it’s too late. I won’t get that chance.
I wanted my grandfather to survive. I hoped and prayed that he would, but ultimately God had other plans. I am still trying to process everything that has happened over the last two and a half weeks and I am just not doing well. We lost a great man on earth, while heaven gained one. One thing that gives me comfort is that he is reunited with my grandmother once again. But my world is a little less bright without him.
